I have just finished my first week back to work, and I am exhausted! Little one has been put in childcare four days a week... Which isn't my ideal, but we had little choice. Luckily for us, the government appears to be paying more for care then we had originally anticipated, so that fourth day was what I had calculated for three. Yay!
Monday was a big day. It was both my first day back at work, and also little misses first day in care. However, and I feel terribly guilty admitting this.. I was not upset, miserable, anxious, or any other preconceived emotion that every was telling I would have without doubt. Instead, I felt free. It was the first time I had been without baby OR family. Yes, I may be going to work - but, I like my job, I like the people at my work, and I like the type of work.
There have been two major things about my work that I never thought I'd enjoy so much. First - the drive to and from work - I have always LOVED driving, and with a baby it's been ridiculous to just jump in the car and go. Secondly - no one constantly harassing me - there has been no baby needing my attention, no visitors that expect me to converse with them... I am just left to be at work.
My postpartum is definitely lessening as a result. I am being treated with respect and privacy. No one asks me questions about every minute of my day. But, much more importantly, I appreciate the time I do have with little one now. Those little hugs she gives, the big smiles when she sees you after a whole 5 minutes, her occasional gabbling, her need to always hold my hand, and the closeness of breastfeeding.
I have severe case of guilty mum syndrome now though. I feel guilty about leaving her in the care of others. I feel guilty that this isn't how I used to feel with her. I feel guilty that I catered to others wants over my own desperate needs. I feel guilty that I don't have the need to constantly check in on her.
What I've come to the realisation of is, I am going to feel like this for the rest of my life. I want to provide everything I possibly can for little one, and with that comes guilt. I will never get everything right, and I will always have a hindsight to look at. However, what I do need to now learn is to ignore that. Accept that I am doing my utmost very best in the situations that are thrown my way, and every single one of us has different situations, different beliefs, and different values.
I'll add that to my 'to do' list!!
With love,
Chantal
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